Stupid Hats

When it's cold outside a hat is only sensible if you don't want to lose the majority of your body heat. There are so many hats, so many opportunities to express yourself through your headgear that when people choose these hats:

It makes me sad. The damned condom hat! Part beanie, part old-timey sleeping cap, part condom, they've been around for three years, maybe more. I first noticed them in the winter of 2007 on the 33 bus route. One of the morning regulars on this bus would tuck all of her hair up into one of these hats so that her head was just face-in-front and sagging-reservoir-tip in back. I'd stare at her and mind-shout, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING" not even a question mark, just outrage.

My most memorable condom hat wearer was a work acquaintance. He would wear these hats constantly. Outdoors, Indoors. Winter, Summer. I was informed by a trusted colleague that our floppy-hatted friend went rogue one Saturday with a black hat instead of his usual grey. Multiple purchases of the same hat in different colours; such was his devotion to the condom-head lifestyle. He's left now, taking his devonshire accent and angry group emails; but the memory of his permanently condom-hatted head bobbing around in front of his computer screen will live on in my heart. I don't know, what do you guys think? They've been around for so long but I just can't get used to them. The only way they could annoy me more is if this woman wore them:

"HOI, OI'm here to tell you that christmas isn't about shopping at Debenhams and eating McDonalds. It's about sharing ourselves with our loved ones, and getting people to come over to moy big stupid house and make me pies"