Cooplands

When I lived in Hull, Cooplands was my bakery of choice and the lunches I bought there were the finest I've ever had. Also, I was in the Cottingham branch of Cooplands the time that hippy stole my pork and apple roll right off the counter, so we've got history there as well as delicious sweet/savoury snacks.

Now Ainsley's has gone into administration and Cooplands has taken over the near-work branch. I was pretty excited at the prospect of having pork and apple rolls on tap so I went into the bakery to get one the first day they put out the Cooplands signs.

NICKY: Hi, may I have a pork and apple roll please?
MUTE COUNTER WOMAN: ...
NICKY: Do you not have any?
MCW: (shakes head)
NICKY: Do you sell them?
MCW: ...
NICKY: Okay, nevermind. (leaves shop)

So I went back to work, googled Cooplands and according to Wikipedia the Cooplands I frequented in the halcyon days of my youth was part of the Coopland and Son outfit based in Scarborough. The near-work bakery has been taken over by Cooplands Ltd, based in Doncaster. Rubbish. Same name, very different bakeries. I'm boycotting it. The pasties they sell there are squashed looking and come in weird flavours like cheese and broccoli; the shop doesn't glow like the one in my memory; they play Radio 1 in there! Gah.

Books in February

I read some books in February that I can barely remember. Must read better books next time.

The House at Midnight

Very indulgent. I read an article by the author where she named the The Secret History by Donna Tartt as her favourite book of all time (it was on the Guardian website) and you can see how she's tried to do something similar here with the group of friends and the country house. Where The Secret History is kind of ethereal and mysterious this book is just banal and written in a prissy, humourless way that's quite depressing after a while. There was one joke in it about Dalziel and Pascoe but that was it for the whole book. The main woman whose name I've forgotten (it was something like Sarah or Michelle) is an exasperating pushover with a Babysitter's Club-esque obsession with sophistication, "So-and-so was dressed in a red dress and had dark hair and a cigarette holder. I looked down at my workaday shoes and felt insecure. Blah blah blah. Then I let someone swear at me and pull my hair."

We Have Always Lived in the Castle



A jolly, short read. Its blackly comic tone was a relief after suffering through The House at Midnight. I never have as much to say about books that I enjoyed as I have to say about books I disliked. I guess that's my failing as a human. In my book notebook I wrote scores of angry notes about The House at Midnight but for this one I just wrote, "Short. Too short?" and "Similar to The Wasp Factory" and it was a bit similar to The Wasp Factory, the unhinged, isolated siblings burying old bits of animal and nailing stuff to trees.

The Lake of Dead Languages



Utterly predictable mystery novel. What to say about it? It's about a woman teaching Latin at the school she attended oh so many years ago. There's a suicide; but is it a suicide? There's a brother and sister; but are they brother and sister? There's having sex with some dude in a mask; but is it the same dude in the mask who you think is in the mask and on and on until you want the book to end. Another one that drew me in with promises of The Secret History. When will I learn? Probably never.

Evil at Heart



Why did I buy and read Evil at Heart? It was on sale when Borders was closing down. It's part of a series, I'm a sucker for a series. There were a few stand-out parts that unnerved me a little, but for the most part I was unmoved. People were wandering around finding mutilated corpses, there was a kidnapping and someone with pointy teeth...that stuff's gross and scary but I just didn't care. The reason for my apathy is the hackneyed characters. Obnoxious "jounalist" and wacky dresser Susan has a Sweet Valley High-esque disregard for danger that gets her into all manner of scrapes. Detective and serial killer-bonker Archie Sheridan is so dark and intense that I read his dialogue in a Christian-Bale-is-The-Dark-Knight voice. Bumbling police man whose name I can't remember always shows up just in the nick of time. Tripe.

Television II

Just updating on my Televisioning for the past month. This is the right time for TV as there's so much stuff on that I've had to abandon my nightly episodes of The Waltons and Star Trek: The Next Generation. I miss John Boy's mole! I'm still watching Lost and thank God that Nurse Jackie has ended because I'd taken to shouting at the TV during episodes.

Glee

I had this pitched to me as Election with songs. Pair this with the general buzz around the show and as you can imagine I was expecting big things including very dark humour and thrilling musical numbers. It started off well but is becoming a chore to watch. I guess they stopped putting jokes in the show about four or five episodes in so there goes the humour, and more often than not I find myself hiding behind a cushion out of embarrassment during the musical numbers. I'm thinking specifically of the bit where the teacher dances around the other teacher (who's wearing a wedding dress) and sings The Thong Song. I felt embarrassed for the teacher singing, I felt embarrassed for the teacher being sung at, I felt embarrassed for me, I felt embarrassed for humanity for having produced something as excruciating as The Thong Song.

Jiminy Christmas.

The characters are terrible. Without exception, the men are dumb, the women are psycho. This leads to all manner of exasperating meta-soap opera storylines that eclipse scenarios that might be more interesting. I would like more focus on the choir competition, but, "Hey, we've gotta do this if we wanna make it to regionals!"once or twice an episode is all we hear about that. I've had enough of fake pregnancies and fake stutters and lying pregnant cheerleaders. I want them to get on with the business of being a FUDGING GLEE CLUB.

American Idol

I watch American Idol from start to finish every year. My enjoyment of it has increased in the past couple of years because I've been able to record it and fast-forward through the boring bits like the "getting to know you" videos before the contestants sing their songs. Last week I watched the videos and regretted it.

Tell us something that America might not know about you.

"I like to colour!"

One of the best things about watching Idol is reading the Television Without Pity re-caps:
http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/american-idol/
They're good for at least three "Ha!"s per re-cap.

Also check out:
http://www.votefortheworst.com/
Because there's something so delightfully spiteful about it.

So this week on American Idol we lost Katelyn (noodlehead), Alex Lambert (mullet), Todrick (Tondrick) and most lamentably Lilly Scott, answer to the question: What would happen if Lord Fear from Knightmare and Stephanie Pratt of The Hills fame had a little musical baby?

The Vampire Diaries

I was prepared to dislike this show but I'm actually kinda digging it. At first I was annoyed at how it was so different from the books. Nowhere in The Vampire Diaries does it describe Elena as an alarmingly thin, pinch-faced brunette. Then I remembered that I didn't even like the books that much and that I only read/owned them for a sense of L.J Smith completism. It's a fun show. They got the casting of the brothers ass-backwards though. I always pictured Stefan as the pretty-boy and Damon as the one with the big jaw. Also I think Ian Somerholder, while attractive, is too old to play an eternal teen. Depending on the make-up he reminds me of Super Hans from Peep Show.


Plus Damon would really be on board with putting a snake in a salad spinner.

Calendar

For 2009 and the latter end of 2008 I had this calendar:

Possibly the greatest calendar ever. A cat calendar with an edge; all the cats are moody and homeless. They're not chasing yarn or lapping up cream or upgrading ur RAM; they're huddling together for warmth on the mean streets of Corfu! My sister bought it in Greece and as such it'll tell you what month it is in both English and Greek. The only downside is that there's no space on it to write down appointments or DVD release dates.

But whatever, it ticks so many other boxes that you don't even want to write on it. Clearly Rebel Street Cats was going to be hard to top. I wanted something similar. Not necessarily in subject matter, just something with the same combination of wry and earnest. This is why I went for:


It's funny ha ha ha it's a calendar with a picture of a toilet for every month. It's educational also due to the edifying blurbs accompanying each loo. The best of both worlds.

That was my thinking behind getting the toilet calendar. I had the most honorable of intentions. However, it is now March and already the sight of a new toilet on the first of every month is wearing me down. Looking at a place where possibly hundreds of people have defecated every time I sit down at my desk is making me sad. Having to consult what is essentially a pamphlet of latrines in order to find out what day my birthday falls on this year makes me want to slap myself in the face. I have only myself to blame! Stupid toilet calendar. Gah.



Ugh.

The Hand Tube

What do you do when you feel that you're going to cough?

Do you...
(a) ...just go for it and let the chips (of phlegm) fall where they may.
(b) ...cover your mouth entirely with a cupped hand, thus shielding your companions and surroundings from being spattered with whatever flies out of your mouth.

Fair enough. These are both valid cough solutions. With the first one you've contaminated the area in front of you, maybe your keyboard, maybe the back of someone's head on the bus, but your hands are clean and safe and you'll be free to eat crisps or shake a baby's hand hygienically. With the second option you've coughed all over your hands but your friends and family are safe, your hands are easily washed at the nearest sink.

However there is a third, rogue option that I have noticed and that I want to talk about. The option of maximum germ spreadage. The Hand Tube.


This is when you feel a cough coming on, ball up your fist, hold it near your mouth and cough onto it. It's a covert way to spread your illness and misery because you get the appearance of giving a shit (because you've raised your hand) but your mouth isn't covered so germs are propelled in all directions, throat-detritus flying everywhere. Nothing is safe.

So next time someone coughs take careful notice of how they deal with it and react accordingly:
COUGHERS: Not to be trusted, but generally harmless.
COVERERS: Probably let them babysit your children.
HAND-TUBERS: Will kill you in your sleep.

N.B. Harold Shipman was a Hand-Tuber and so is this guy:

Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs.

Books in January

I didn't really have a theme for my reading this month. It was January, the most depressing month of the year so I just read whatever books I thought might cheer me up a little bit.

Frostbitten

This is the latest in the Women of the Otherworld series from Kelley Armstrong. This series started out with strong lead characters, full of intriguing side-characters, lots of adventure and danger and liveliness. It was fun. This latest installment however was not fun in the least. The plot was thin on the ground and the usual capers were replaced with protracted sex scenes, some lasting in excess of five pages. FIVE PAGES. Luckily it was a pretty short book.
YOU WILL LIKE THIS IF: There is something wrong with you.

Shiver

This book concerns a young werewolf who fears that he will not be able to return to human form if he transforms into a wolf. This would not be ideal as his girlfriend is a semi-normal human girl. Considering the gravity of the situation the romantic leads in the novel spend most of their time hanging out. Just plain hanging out.
WOLFBOY: So we should probably deal with my impending perma-wolfhood.
NONWOLFGIRL: Later. I have homework, and you have to sit on the edge of the desk strumming on that guitar.
Despite this I would recommend this to anyone who enjoys a bit of werewolfy YA. It's atmospheric but not too intense, it's laid-back and engaging. Hooray!
YOU WILL LIKE THIS IF: It's cold outside, but warm inside and you have a comfy chair and a lovely big mug of tea.

The Truth About Forever and Just Listen

These novels are a little paint-by-numbers. Choose a girl's name. Choose a trauma. Choose a secondary trauma. Choose a boy's name. Give him a creative outlet. Put the two together. If you've done it right they should cure each other of any and all woes. I really liked these though. I can picture myself buying all of the books by this author, unhinging my brain-jaw and eating them all at once. What they lack in originality they make up for in warmth and pleasantness.
YOU WILL LIKE THESE IF: Books intended for teenaged girls are like crack to you.

The Collected Short Stories of F.Scott Fitzgerald

I've had this book for ages but can only just now say that I've read each and every story. I wish it had more in it because it was quite expensive at the time and there are stories that I've either read elsewhere or that I know of and haven't read that are not included. That said it's worth a go just for the quiet desperation and extreme hilarity of the Pat Hobby stories. Excruciating but highly entertaining.
YOU WILL LIKE THIS IF: You've been through all of. F. Scott Fitzgerald's books. You're very well read, it's well known.

Television

Gosh I'm glad Celebrity Big Brother is over. It got to be kind of a chore to watch it every night but if I saved it on V+ it took up so much space on the box. I thought having V+ would be fun, fast-forwarding through breaks, pausing live TV, watching films in the middle of the day that were shown on Zone Horror at 2am, taping episode after episode of Ghost Whisperer to watch at my leisure...but it's not like that. I'm always worried that somehow all the space on the box will be used up while I'm not looking and one of my regular shows won't tape, or staring at the TV screen in depair, asking it out loud why Hell's Kitchen won't tape even though nothing else is taping at that time, "Why are you doing this!?"
Here are some of the TV shows I'm watching at the moment:

Lost...the will to live

I actually stopped watching Lost around season three or so but the recaps on Television Without Pity were so fun that I started watching it again to enhance my enjoyment of the recaps. I stopped reading the TwoP recaps around the time they stopped referring to Michael as Mercutio but I continued watching Lost and even managed to drag my boyfriend back into the baffled fold-he'd been on the wagon since the end of the first season.
Anyway, I have almost no clue what's going on. I guess there's an alternate reality? The makers of the show are mocking us and we are lapping it up.

Nurse Jackie

Almost to the end of season one on this. I hope. I can't say I wasn't warned about this show but the pedigree was so high I just couldn't resist. Carmela Soprano! Steve Buscemi directs episodes for frak's sake. I hate this show. The opening sequence with all the jewellery flying around is like a nightmare for me. Green Wing is the only TV show set in a hospital that I can stand.

Jersey Shore

I almost can't believe that this is real. It's amazing. Only watched four episodes or so for now but this is a keeper. For me it's like

but with a T-shirt shop instead of babysitting, and an emphasis on the Italian values of respect, family and hair gel. I'm especially nauseated by Mike, who refers to himself as "The Situation" strutting about with his tiny little dog face.

Just looking at the Amazon page for that Babysitter's Club book and thought I'd share Linda Frink from Snohomish's views on babysitting:

"Also I don't think boys should be baby-sitters. I'm not prejudiced, I just know that things get out of hand when theres a boy baby-sitter. Remember the thing with Michael Jackson?"

I just want to post a whole line of exclamation marks.

I had a dream that I was shopping for second-hand books and sorting through some Babysitter's Club books to add to my collection. In the dream I came across Super Special number 42: Go Home Palefaces. I wish this was a real book. The cover featured Claudia et al. fighting for their lives on a raft wearing their Camp Mohawk uniforms.

Stupid Hats

When it's cold outside a hat is only sensible if you don't want to lose the majority of your body heat. There are so many hats, so many opportunities to express yourself through your headgear that when people choose these hats:

It makes me sad. The damned condom hat! Part beanie, part old-timey sleeping cap, part condom, they've been around for three years, maybe more. I first noticed them in the winter of 2007 on the 33 bus route. One of the morning regulars on this bus would tuck all of her hair up into one of these hats so that her head was just face-in-front and sagging-reservoir-tip in back. I'd stare at her and mind-shout, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING" not even a question mark, just outrage.

My most memorable condom hat wearer was a work acquaintance. He would wear these hats constantly. Outdoors, Indoors. Winter, Summer. I was informed by a trusted colleague that our floppy-hatted friend went rogue one Saturday with a black hat instead of his usual grey. Multiple purchases of the same hat in different colours; such was his devotion to the condom-head lifestyle. He's left now, taking his devonshire accent and angry group emails; but the memory of his permanently condom-hatted head bobbing around in front of his computer screen will live on in my heart. I don't know, what do you guys think? They've been around for so long but I just can't get used to them. The only way they could annoy me more is if this woman wore them:

"HOI, OI'm here to tell you that christmas isn't about shopping at Debenhams and eating McDonalds. It's about sharing ourselves with our loved ones, and getting people to come over to moy big stupid house and make me pies"

Look Alikes II

Right then! Let the record show that I am watching Celebrity Big Brother this year. Am I enjoying it? I don't know. I can't tell. I am compelled to watch it but whether I'm getting any enjoyment out of it is another matter that probably won't be resolved until after it's over. And it really will be over won't it? This is our last Big Brother year. It was kind of over for me when Russell Brand stopped doing Big Mouth but whatevs. RIP BB.

Things I'll miss about Big Brother.

• The Geordie voice-over saying, "Birthday cake"


• Under-quilt fumblings. Rude!


• Davina's saddle bags


• Choosing someone in the Big Mouth studio audience and allowing them to annoy me for the entire episode. Last night it was someone with a white stripe in her hair. This is a Rogue-only move as far as I'm concerned.


• Nominations


• The Geordie voice-over saying, "Nominations"


• Reading the plaquards that people bring to evictions. At last night's eviction, in among the hellomums and jadeandsamanthaareheres there was one that said simply, "Hi Chodes"


• Assault courses. Always my favourite tasks. In CBB this year they just showed a montage which was not cool. I wanna see the whole fudging thing.


• Accusations of, "HE'S PLAYING A GAME!" levelled at anyone who so much as cocks an eyebrow on camera.

My vote for Celebrity Big Brother winner goes to Basshunter. He's one half of the first CBB romance to give us all the depressing sordidness of a regular Big Brother romance. He is so tall. And nice. I don't want to hear any of his music though. I'm too old for that bullshoes.

Doesn't Dane Bowers look like David Boreanaz?

Every time Dane's out and about during the day I'm anxious in case he steps into a beam of sunlight and bursts into flames. NO ANGEL NO!

Good Things

Good things about my workplace:

Tea
It is equidistant to two Starbucks and there is a Starbucks on the ground floor. I need never be without a venti English Breakfast Tea. If the on-premises Starbucks is closed it's a mere 3.5 minute walk in either direction to another one.

The Bacon Bite
It's a 5 minute walk from a bagel shop. I'll treat myself to a breakfast bacon bagel every so often. My favourite thing about it is the first bite; cut the bagel in half and go for the middle of the cut side. If you're doing it right, this bite should be all bacon. I've made a diagram on MS Paint:

Gym
The first two were about food. Oops! I'm going in a whole other direction for this point. My workplace is next door to a gym so I'm able to invigorate myself on lunchbreak with a vigorous session on the cross-trainer. NOT. No the good thing about this is that if you look out of the window you can see into the gym and watch people working out. The gentle bobbing of people trying to be healthy is so soothing, particularly so if it's a lady gymbot wearing a jaunty ponytail; for her every bob the ponytail gives a counter bounce that almost puts me to sleep.

Sketchy Alley
People behave appallingly in the sketchy alley. They don't realise that we're watching them from two stories up. Judging them as they pee against the wall of the building. One night I leaned out of the window and screamed, "I can see you urinating!"
The offender merely glanced over his shoulder and gave a happy wave with his free hand (see below).

I'm shaking my head now, just thinking of it.